Cowboy in Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that
he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher
asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my
cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy
how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I
went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't
feed him all the hay."

Quick Start Guide

I opened the box with the fancy electronic gadget in it. It was
the latest version with all of the bells and whistles. Sitting
neatly on top inside the box was a plastic wrapped bundle. In the
bundle (among other things) was a thick manual and a four-page
Quick Start Guide.

The Quick Start Guide walked you through what you needed to
know to setup and operate the fancy equipment without all of the
in-depth details of the thick manual.

"Just tell me what I need to know to get this thing working,"
was going through my mind as I looked at the two documents.
So naturally I gravitated towards the Quick Start Guide.

I then thought, "Why doesn't life have a Quick Start Guide?"

You know, something that would give you the basics of what you
needed to know to get things going right.

Why doesn't someone think of that?

You would only need a few things; say ten or so and I think that
would be enough to get you going and perhaps keep you straight.

It would be a Quick Start Guide of life of ten or so things that
would guide you until you could read the full manual.

Why doesn't someone think of that?

Survivor

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small,
uninhabited island.   He prayed feverishly for God to rescue
him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none
seemed forthcoming.
 
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of
driftwood to protect himself from the elements and to store his
few possessions.
 
One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to
find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost.

He was stunned with grief and anger.

"God, how could you do this to me?"  He cried.
 
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a
ship that was approaching the island.  It had come to rescue
him.

"How did you know I was here?"
asked the weary man of his rescuers.

"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
 
It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad.
But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our
lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering.

Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground it
just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.

A Grave Tragedy

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to
be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?
Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."

The Egg!!!

"The Easter story is nothing but a myth," Jimmy's high
school science teacher announced to his class a few days
before Easter break. "Jesus not only didn't rise from the
grave," he continued, "but there's no God in heaven who
would allow his son to be crucified in the first place."

"Sir, I believe in God," Jimmy protested.
"And I believe in the resurrection!"

"Jimmy, you can believe what you wish to, of course,"
the teacher replied. "However, the real world excludes the
possibility of miraculous events such as the resurrection.
The resurrection is a scientific impossibility. No one who
believes in miracles can also respect science."

"God isn't limited by science," Jimmy responded.
"He created science!"

Engaged by Jimmy's outspoken faith, the teacher proposed a
scientific experiment. Reaching into his refrigerator, he
produced a raw egg and held it up.
"I'm going to drop this egg on the floor," he stated.

"Gravity will pull it toward the floor with such force that the
egg will most certainly break."  Fixing Jimmy with a look of
challenge, he concluded his proposal. "Now Jimmy, I want you to
pray a prayer right now and ask your God to keep this egg from
breaking when it hits the floor. If he can do that, then you'll
have proven your point, and I'll have to admit that there's a
God."

After pondering the challenge for a moment, Jimmy slowly stood
to pray. "Dear Heavenly Father," he began. "I pray that when my
teacher drops the egg...it will break into a hundred pieces!
And also, Lord, I pray that when the egg does break, my teacher
will have a heart attack and die!
Amen."

After a unison gasp, the stunned class sat in silent
expectation. For a moment the teacher did nothing. At last
he looked at Jimmy and then at the egg. Without a word he
carefully put the egg back in the refrigerator.
"Class dismissed," the teacher said and sat down to clear his
desk.

The teacher apparently believed in God more than he thought he
did. Many people, like that teacher, deny that God exists, yet
they run from him, question him, and attack him whenever they
get the chance. Jimmy knew God wouldn't strike his teacher
dead, but he also knew that his teacher wouldn't bet his life on
it.

As the old saying goes, "There are no atheists in foxholes."
When your life is on the line, the idea of God suddenly makes a
lot more sense.

Flagpole

A group of managers are given an assignment to measure the
height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with
ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders
and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do,
walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat,
measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of
the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and
laughs: "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for
the height and he gives us the length!"

Flagpole

A group of managers are given an assignment to measure the
height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with
ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders
and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do,
walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat,
measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of
the managers and walks away.

Kissing a Nun

A taxi cab driver got a call to pick up someone from the
airport. When he got there, he was surprised to see a nun
waiting for the taxi. As she climbed into the car and gave the
driver the address, the driver noticed how beautiful she was.
As he drove on, he kept looking into his rear-view mirror at
her. The nun couldn't help but notice him looking at her.
Finally, the cab driver said, "You know, Sister, I think you're
really quite beautiful."

"Well, thank you," she answered.

The driver went on, "I've always had a fantasy of kissing a
nun."

"Really?" she asked. "Well, then, pull over." The driver did
so. Then the nun asked him a few questions. "Are you married?"
she asked.

"No," said the driver.

"Are you Catholic?"

"Yes," the man nodded.

"Well, all right then," she said and stepped out of the car and
gave him a big kiss on the lips.

The driver felt so ashamed that he decided to tell her the
truth. "Sister, I have to tell you the truth: I AM married and
I'm NOT Catholic."

"That's okay," smiled the nun. "My name's Henry and I'm going
to a Halloween party!"

Morals of the story:
1. Don't kiss other women if you are married.
2. Don't lie.
3. Don't look and stare if you shouldn't touch.
4. Keep your fantasies to yourself.
5. With many people, what is behind them catches up with them because they can't stop thinking about the past.
6. If you kiss a frog, it's still a frog.
7. Sharpen your discernment

It's How You Ask

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but needed change
for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor
floors and asked him: "Soldier, do you have change for a
dollar?"

Private Duncan replied: "Sure."

The Corporal turned red, and said: "That's no way to address a
superior office! Now let's try it again. "Private, do you have
change for a dollar?'"

Private Duncan turned to him and replied: "No, SIR!"

The Battle

There's a battle going on inside all of us.
Some people win.
Some people lose.
Then there are people,
Where it's just a constant up and down situation.

The light.
An inner peace.
A constant flow of content.
This is what takes over when people win.
Not many people do.

The darkness.
A sadness.
A total feeling of loss.
This is what takes over when people lose.
Lots of people do.

The constant war.
The mix of ups and downs,
Of contempt and anguish,
Of peace and calm.
This is when people die trying.
The majority of people do.

They'll live a constant battle.
Where the stars of hope,
Shine brightly as many times,
As they fade into darkness.

The people who lose,
Don't realize,
That the darkness is just clouds,
Covering the stars.
They give up waiting,
For the stars to come out again,
So the stars never do.

The fighters keep wishing,
For the stars to come out,
So the stars will.
But they always have feelings of doubt,
And the clouds like the doubt.
That makes it harder for the stars,
But they manage.

And the people who win?
They don't mind a bit of cloudy weather.